healthy you
FAMILY MATTERS
rue story: At a college
sem inar for incom ing
freshmen, in the midst
of talking about the
adventures and
excitement of college life, a psychology
professor looked out into the crowd of
assembled students and parents—most
still flush from the th rill of recent
graduation parties—and asked, “So,
how many of you have had a big fight
recently?” After a round of knowing
glances and more than a few guilty
smiles, roughly half of the people in
the room raised their hands.
Professor Richard Shadick has to
smile when he hears stories like this.
Going-away fights and sim ilar
Sweet Send-Offs
S e n d y o u r k i d s o f f t o c o l l e g e w i t h h u g s , a n d
a v o i d t h o s e g o i n g - a w a y f i g h t s .
BY
LYNNE MEREDITH SCHREIBER
emotional episodes are a regular
part of growing up and going away,
says Shadick, director of the Pace
U niversity counseling center in New
York City. H e says conflict is a defense
mechanism that makes parting less
painful. In short, it’s easy to leave when
you’re mad. “You see this behavior
because it’s an emotional time, and
separation issues are bound to get
stirred up,” he says. “It ’s important that
both parents and students be aware of
their feelings and their hot buttons.
Otherwise it can escalate into a real
problem.”
Before you send your child on to
Real Life, take steps to make the
transition easy—and the parting sweet.
CO M M U N ICA TIO N S
101
Th e sum m er before D ion M c ln n is’s
eldest son, also named D ion, left for
school, they played basketball daily.
“W hether we played five m inutes
or an hour d id n ’t matter,” says the
League C ity, Texas-based dad of
three boys. “W e’d ju st talk, play, and
laugh.” Father and son had alw ays
played basketball, so it w asn’t an
a rtificia l setup. But the courtside
conversation made it easy for the
p a r e n t h o o d b u s i n e s s
i s
c a t c h - a n d -
_
;e . Y o u
l e t y o u r
k i d s
g o ,
t h e y d o
t h e i r
t h i n g ,
a n d y o u
h o p e
f o r
t h e b e s t
B u t
a l s o
k n o w
y o u ’ l l r e c o n n e c t a n o t h e i
a n d w
h e n y o u
d o ,
i t ’ l l b e
f u n .
—DION MCINNIS,FATHER OFTHREE
l80
AUGUST 2008 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
younger D ion to stay connected,
says h is dad. It was also a tim e when
he told h is son his own stories of
separation and independence. “T h is
parenthood business is catch-and -
release,” says M cln n is. “You let your
kids go, they do their thing, and you
hope for the best. But you also know
you’ll reconnect another day and
w hen you do, it’ll be fun.”
D on’t just talk—listen, too. Before
each of H elen Eckm ann’s four kids
left for college, she planned a fun
fam ily vacation and scheduled alone
tim e w ith the ch ild who was leaving.
“I asked them how they wanted to
connect w ith me once they went to
college,” says Eckm ann, a professor
in D el Mar, C alifo rn ia , and author of
S im p le P rin c ip le s to E x c e l a t School.
“O ur eldest daughter asked to see us
every other weekend. O ur youngest
daughter said we could probably
w ait u n til Th an ksg ivin g to see each
other again. I was surprised by both
of their responses.”
P R O D U C TIV E P A R TIN G S
Eckm ann realized the im portance of
giving her kids space to gain m uch-
needed independence. She licked her
wounds privately, keeping her eye on
the big picture. “T h is wasn’t about
me—it was about them,” she says.
“Part of me was th rille d because I
wanted them to be independent and
have th e ir own lives, but part of me
knew I was goingto m ourn.”
Recognizing your own emotional
stuff at this time and ow ning it is
crucial. It’s O K to be sad and even
important to tell your child you’ll miss
P H O T O : VEER
